PDA

View Full Version : How to be a moderator (MementoMori Classic)



LT3_banned
4th September 2004, 05:38 PM
How To Be a Moderator.


Some people among us have been born with, innately instilled, the qualities and abilities of someone deserving of power and authority. There are, like it or not, naturally-born princes among us, already destined for the royalty that so endlessly flows through their veins. Several names come to mind, most of which being the pseudonyms of prostitutes who rejected me after receiving pre-copulatory payment, but a few bear to this topic relevance. There are some of us competent, and even more of us incompetent. EAFD, Mr. T, Samwise, White Hindu... were this place not such a dystopian hellhole, we'd have these names plastered atop almost every forum, but, alas, it should seem that GUA has less concern for quality than for a thoroughly maintained lack thereof.

However, being the generous soul I am, I will not leave you who, not being mentioned, should feel as useless as you really are. In my sagacity and experience, I will present to you the essential traits necessary for securing a position as any person of authority in GUA. I can (can, but won't) guarantee that if you follow my instructions, you will within hours (probably more than you can count) become, at the very least, a moderator. No need to take notes, as I have formatted this text in such a manner that it may be conveniently printed as a document and kept on hand or read every night before your going to bed or pasted on your bedroom door or refridgerator or tattooed on your chest or transcribed to papyrus by hand.

The six essential qualities:

Humility

Promiscuity

Innocence

Sycophancy

Being a mod in the goddamn first place

The sixth essential quality

Now, for some of you in need of mnemonic succor, indicative of your own mental incompetence, this may be recalled by the simple acronym, "HPISBT" (pronounced, for those nerds among you, "hup-is-bit"). For those of you intellectually deficient yet further, this acronym can be remembered by its counterpart, this wonderful little saying:

Hairy Prostitutes In Sexy Bras? Terrific!

or, the more practical,

Humility! Promiscuity! Innocence! Sycophancy! Being a mod in the goddamn first place! The sixth essential quality!

or, for those of you less creatively inclined,

HuP IS BiT!

and yes, you're welcome.

Well, now that we've laid out our foundation of success, we can delve into the specifics. What do you need to do in order to gain the needed social stature and recognition. Just sucking administrative cock usually doesn't cut it: if you want to stand out, you have to do something innovative. Some suggestions?

Charading as a clown.
Being a clown.
Talking about clowns.
Clowns.
One of my car's wheels is deflated.
what
LOL


as if that wasn't conclusive enough, some of you may require better qualities as compensation for your uselessness otherwise. If so, I'd suggest either hacking, impersonating an admin and then hacking, being a root admin in the first place and then promoting yourself, asking someone else to hack for you, or using your fucking imagination because you have no hope in reality, you unpurposed fucktard. Congrats, really. No, no - you deserve it.

But - oh ho ho - but what should ensue if you cannot use personality or technology to attain power? Why, use the next best thing: friendship (coercing people with power). And if even that doesn't work, I'd seriously recommend suicide. I mean, really... If by this point, you haven't already developed an inerrable plan, it's probably burdensome enough to your six brain cells to try to interpret this English. - just give up already.

Okay, so you have done all you are probably capable of, have stood out like a fucking needle in a haystack, and have made a strong enough impression that when administrators see your name, they think "Waesome8)," (that is, of course, if your name is "Waesome8)") but you still haven't become a moderator. What to do now?

Well, then the results are in and figuratively speak for themselves, seeing as such results cannot talk, and you now know your fate: You are a failure. From the seminal blobs that predetermined your worth were you condemned to be vaginally-ejected into this world, incapable of good and power. If all is done and over, you, quite simply, were not meant to be, and, in a perfect world, wouldn't. Society has tried to fulfill what God forgot to - get fucking rid of you, but you are too stubborn to grasp the reality that damns you to unending failure. You do not deserve the useless emotions you waste in your struggle, and your continuous existence falls not short of immoral. As said a great woman, your virginity was most likely compromised like the Treaty of Versailles - by old British, German, and French men. To succinctly ejaculate the sum of my previous words: Kill yourself.


The Application.


Ahh, at last. You have grasped the power for which you have so lusted over your stay at this place of places. But... Now what? Why, that step that should only be taken by those elite among you who truly have the chance to rank within this community: The application.

I realize that even for you well established as members, such an application may seem an obstacle overwhelming, unlike your relatively simple conquest for popularity. Worry not, my friends, as I shall also include within my summa a comprehensive overview of this application and tips for success. As someone very experienced with gaining social stature, you may rest assured that I will deliver unto you no less than the wisest of counsel.

Now, before you can attempt to understand tactics of success, you must first analyze the constituents of a moderator.

There are scientifically proven to be four humors, which influence our conscious actions as a human: the humors are yellow bile, black bile, phlegm, and blood. The concentration of these bodily ingredients in your constitution determines your temperament, and with that temperament, your liability to become a mod.

The order of preference as to which humor one should possess for being best suited for a mod are as follows:

1.Blood

2.Phlegm

3.Black Bile

4.Yellow Bile

Now, at last, to give the form of the application and examples of how each humor would respond. The moment you've all been waiting for:

LT3_banned
4th September 2004, 05:39 PM
Moderator Application - You(userid: *****)
Section I: General Information
Enter your objectives here (what things would you like to accomplish as a moderator?)
Objectives

Blood: helo d00dz sup LOL i wana b a mod

Phlegm: My objective here as a moderator is to make GUA a beautiful elysium full of jovial posters who will all work towards effecting a eutopia. I hope to make everyone ecstatic and be in total harmony, with all eudaemonistic contributors. We will compliment each other and help each other and be ultimately happy.

Black Bile: I'd like to rule the world.

Well, actually, that's something on the side. The real thing I want to do is make the world a better place.

By ruling it.

And abolishing France, because there are too many cheeses in France (some guy named HoTsTuD1033013 told me that it's sound smart to say that in an American application).

Yellow Bile: My goals here in GUA would consist of taming the wild, drooling, mindless dullards that inhabit it. My dream is to create a superforum, consisting primarily of the intellectual minds that so far enlighten and bless this forum. The rancor of lowly beasts and improperly formed brains that most forumers seem to share disgusts me greatly. My ultimate goal is an intellectual genocide, for intelligence is the greatest virtue and attribute.



What experience do you have moderating other forums/websites? (include links, dates and any other pertinent information)
Experience

Blood: no i never wuz mod b4 but i tihknks i will maek a gud 1 ok thx

Phlegm: I have never moderated a forum before, but I'm sure that with my attitude and mission, I will make a wonderful moderator.

Black Bile: Wow, thank you. I never thought people would sink so low as to ask such vile, repugnant personal questions, but it seems like I've been wronged once more.

ASL?

This is the first board I've ever been to. What is "cyb4r," because I keep getting such requests. = /

Yellow Bile: I once moderated a small fetish forum entitled "DEAD PEOPLE AND THEIR CORPSES PLZ POST PIX HERE" that involved the posting of pictures of dead people. We would all laugh and snicker at the puny humans who were caught dead on camera, and we'd photoshop their faces onto other dead animals such as rhinos and falcons. It was an intellectually stimulating, ludic experience.

I also once moderated a site called "The Intellectual Backbone of Modern Day Culture" which I established, hoping to create a perfect republic of geniuses as myself who were, as stated, the backbone of American, and even global culture. The society totters on our able hands, for we are the only people in this jungle of human idiocy to truly claim intellectual understanding of our environment, unlike the unworthy bugs of pedestrians and commen men that crawl about our feet.



Enter a little personal information about yourself.
Bio

Blood: hi my name is jeffrey and i want 2 b a mod bcuz i think it willl b fun 2 be a mod LOL

Phlegm: My name is Sean Welman. I am a philanthropist from New Jersey. I am twenty-seven and live with my mother, Samantha. If she ever comes on the computer, be nice to her. She's an old lady with a good heart. She taught me always to be kind to people and never to do drugs. I love her with all of my heart. There is no other woman for me if there is no girl with a heart as golden as Samantha's.

I do community and church service, baby-sit, mine, have a part-time-job at the local grocery store.

Black Bile: I'm a friend of an admin, so I'm bound to have some respect in this community!

Except that I don't! W00t w00t, with two zeroes replacing the Os, despite that "woot" is not a word! YEAH!

Umm, I have nothing better to do.

Yellow Bile: My name is Albert Franklin. I live in deep south Texas, with my brothers, sisters, cousins, second-cousins, mother, father, aunts, uncle, grandmother, grandfather, great aunt, great uncles, my seven dogs, my three cats, my two snakes, my turtle, my three chickens, and my cow Bessie. I've received schooling up two a prodigious eighth grade - the greatest achievement in my family, as of yet. Needless to say, they esteem me as the intellectual prodigy that I am. My brothers, sisters, and cousins are all mindless bugs, conditioned to be stupid by the American propaganda and needless commercialization of the modern world. I suggested foil hats once, but it seems the crafty, corrupt governmental entities have found a better way to channel this material into our brains.

I once ate seventy pies in five minutes.

The only book in my house is The Prince.



What are your interests? (enter these so that we may better determine where you would be most effective.)
Interests

Blood: i like 2 play counterstrieke adn watcheing porn and playing GUA time ok plz i wanna b mod of vidoe games adn generla discusion or just supermodderating ok thx

Phlegm: My interest is in the benefit of the human race. There is nothing more pleasing to my constitution than to see the smile of a mentally-deficient person, or the electronic laugh of a small child in a wheelchair. The betterment of humankind is my mission and emotional sanctuary. I feel inner comfort in humanity, and all my life do I intend to make the world a jovial place.

Black Bile: I like to eat food. Once, I ate so much, my mom said "stop eating the cookies, Albert, you're already forty pounds overweight." D'y'know what I said to her? I said, "Nay, ye impertinent slut, 'tis thee who is over thy weight!"

Actually, I said potty words and she said for me to go to my room.

Once I threw the cat off the balcony, but every time since then that I've repeated the feat, my phone automatically dials the dry cleaners. I think Satan is in my house.

Anyways, I like sex. Do you have a sex forum?

I used to go to this sex forum and I met a guy named
"SEXMastaH3310," and he called me "bub!" Is that a funny name? I think that's a funny name!

I also like ravioli. Not the real type though. The cereal type. It's called "Ravioli Bits," except that Ravioli is used to make ever letter except the B, which is formed by two homosexual deer, prancing through a meadow, while their brothers are being shot by hunters. These deer, however, care not of their brothers, and are enveloped in their lust. The moral of the story is that deer are not homosexual: that's gross! Eww! I like the blue ones, because they taste like blueberries!

Mom says I'm smart! I'll make a good mod!

Yellow Bile: My interests include intelligent confabulations, singing Country songs, and square-dancing.



What times are you generally online, and visiting GUA?
Times

Blood: i am onliene all teh time xept wehn i am @ scool and teechers dotn liek when i am @ school adn pleying teh computer

Phlegm: I am always online, when not helping the misfortunate of our world.

Black Bile: On the weekends, almost all day. Unless it's just a weekend upon which a celebrity died, in which case I'll probably have to strip to my shirt and boxers and perform the sacred ritual, known to many as "Mackwechia." Actually, it's not known to many, but since I know it, it's really cool to call it that. It's like I'm God! Do you think I'm God?

I'm probably not God! Haha! Jesus would hate competition!

Actually, I think God hates Jesus, because Jesus is stealing his thunder. I have consulted many credible theologians, and after much advanced and heated debate, most of us came to the consensus that Jesus is a robot, who was sent from Venus to rule the world and turn everyone into toasters.

Although the practical effects are not totally open to the public, compare ourselves now to toasters, and then compare ourselves back back before Jesus to toasters, and then compare those two comparisons. You'll notice something.

Yellow Bile: Every waking hour that I'm not tending to Bessie or the snakes.

LT3_banned
4th September 2004, 05:41 PM
Section II: Eligibility Determination
Answer the following questions to the best of your ability. Your answers to these questions will be a large factor in determining your eligibility to be a moderator.
1.) Two members appear to be flaming each other, one calling the other's ideas stupid and nonsense. It has gotten to the point that the thread is no longer on topic, and it shows no signs of stopping.
What do you do?

Blood: wtf they r luzrs lol BAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNn

Phlegm: I will calmly, lovingly, and passively recommend that both stop, so as to make this forum, community, and world more enjoyable.

Black Bile: Take a side and ridicule the other's mother.

However, I am not entirely insensitive.

If he or she claims not to have a mother, I shall resort to his or her father, as I realize that this is a common trauma suffered by many forumers.

Yellow Bile: Whoever is the intellectually inferior ought to be banned, or at least warned critically. Not only have they likely provoked others to engage in their pathetic quarreling, but neither probably have the intellectual license to call anyone else anything other than "kind of cool, in my inherently flawed opinion." If both are equally pathetic, then both should be banned without mercy. This world is a much better place without their stupidity plaguing it.



2.) A member posts a pornographic picture in the forum that you moderate.
What do you do?

Blood: omg LOL porn r0x 8)

Phlegm: I calmly tell the member that people of our community disallow pornography. I will inform him or her that we apologize, but he or she will have to register a new name, for I am bound by the honor of being a moderator to ban him or her. Once again, I apologize, and assuage him or her so that he or she will not feel in any way expulsed or hated. I will then lightly scold any who in turn scold he or she that originally posted.

Black Bile: Masturbate.

And ask for more.

Yellow Bile: I immediately ban them, delete the thread, and warn anyone who looks at it. Sating sexual needs is the lowest any person could ever go. Sexual desires are for the weak, cattle-like fools who cannot find refuge in intellectualism. They deserve to die a miserable, painful death at the hand of someone more worthy, such as myself.



3.) A member posts advertising/their unique link/a link to a pornographic website in the forum that you moderate.
What do you do?

Blood: omg lol if its porn tahts kewl bcuz porn rox u no jenna jameson

shes hawt i wish she wuz my girlfreind 8)

Phlegm: I do the same as in the second scenario, except that I will reduce this penalty of chastisement from a ban to a mere warning.

Black Bile: Click the link, and masturbate.

Then I chastize the member for not posting his or her favorites up front. It's so much trouble to navigate porn sites these days...

Or any other site.

Yellow Bile: I treat this scenario exactly the same as I mentioned in the question earlier. Why must you ask such similar questions? Do you think there is a line between them? You disgust me. If you're reading this, know that you have not the right to damn this world with your existence, and your leeching of its once copious nutrients is in no way appreciated.



4.) Two members are flaming each other. Member A has been following Member B around the boards, posting after him/her with flames, and threats. When you warn Member A, they tell you to 'Fuck off and mind your own business.'
What do you do?

Blood: fuck u

BANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Phlegm: I warmly ameliorate this child's actions with a soothing speech about the beauty of humankind, and why one shouldn't go against others, for the sake of cohesion, working towards a eutopia. I will tell him or her to renounce his or her ways and join the rest of us in the quest for perfection, happiness, and the acceptance of each other.

Black Bile: I tell him "Okay." and then hide behind my bed and start to weep until the world blows up.

Yellow Bile: I immediately IP ban them. The pathetic fool not only needed to use a pejorative, but possibly thought of someone as wrenchingly piteous as himself could ever measure to me. People like this ought to be gassed en masse.



5.) A member posts a controversial thread, supporting it completely. It just so happens that you don't like that particular issue, and disagree.
What do you do?

Blood: wtf hes wrogn he doesnt no ok

i sey dotn BS it is spam post so if u spam post agen it is WARNING ok

Phlegm: I post my opinion in a civil, loving manner, and allow him or her to maintain his or her personal disposition. Sooner or later, he or she will open his or her eyes to the beautiful truth of reality and follow us in our quest for love.

Black Bile: Delete the fucking thread, delete the fucking member, and h4x0r GUA.

Yellow Bile: This person ought to receive a warning for using faulty logic and presumptions that may be easily construed as intentionally irking other, intellectually advanced members of this internet-society. These people should be eliminated from the bowels of GUA where they rest as soon as possible.



6.) A member posts in a thread on the topic of moderators, and openly says that you 'suck at modding'.
What do you do?

Blood: wtf fuck u fuckr flameing huh

BAnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Phlegm: I concede to him or her that I am not a work of perfection, but that I try my best, and seek forgiveness and insight as to my incompetence. I then seek to befriend this person and ask forgiveness.

Black Bile: Ban the person whose post is directly before his, for he or she was probably the negative influence who so misguided this poor soul, and deserves to be punished.

Yellow Bile: Obviously, they are wrong. Someone of as intellectual value as myself cannot "suck at modding." Not only do they employ slang in trying to speak to someone as myself, which invalidates any claims to their intelligence, but they had to post in someone else's thread to say so, simply surrendering their pride to the thoughts of whoever made the fallacious thread. I will not humor the fool who made this thread, and will close the thread and delete the member for not only slandering my name, but trying to spread anti-governmental propaganda. These idiots should be stopped and destroyed, so that GUA can itself remain healthy.



7.) One member has it out to get you, because he believes that you hate him. He has convinced other members that you are an unfair moderator. He also harrasses you, and slanders your name throughout GUA.
What do you do?

Blood: wtf fucker ip ban ok

Phlegm: I do the same as I would in the sixth scenario.

Black Bile: Post a big thread called "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK..., etc." and fill it full of 10,000 crying faces.

I then proceed to copy the thread as many times as possible until mom asks me why I'm shouting and removes my computer privileges again.

Yellow Bile: You horrible fool. Do not waste my time with repetitious questions. This was the same as the sixth. Do you have any sort of intention, or are you ostentatious as to being a hopelessly inferior freak, even among nature's outrageous miscreations?



8.) You find that a recently banned member has started a new account. She was banned for spamming, but seems to have learned her lesson. You hate this person, and feel as though she shouldn't be allowed to post here anymore.
How do you react?

Blood: lol wtf y r u comeing back u were banned so U STAY BANNND

bannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Phlegm: I try to civilly express my opinions, and try to repudiate these emotions and find love, forgiveness, and passion to this person who I feel inclined to hate.

Black Bile: Send a PM to everyone who posts in her threads, spreading calumny about her sexual life and orientation, but only for the sake of justice.

Yellow Bile: What is this? A questioning of the validity of my opinion? Your existence greatly bothers me, knowing that some loon without any mental value is siphoning from this planet materials easily usable for other, more competent lifeforms.

LT3_banned
4th September 2004, 05:42 PM
9.) Another member has been thoroughly upset by controversial thread posted by another user, who fully supports the cause. He asks that you close it. Do you close it? Explain your answer.
Your answer?

Blood: lol wtf nerds ok WARN EVRY1 IN THERAD

lol nerds

Phlegm: it depends on how controversial the thread is. Should there be constant hatred and unmerciful reactions throughout, I calmly ask the maker or contributors of the thread to try to calm down and create a new thread in which they might act a bit more sensitive, and then I tell them about our mission to further humanity and how what they are doing could be amended to help create a vision of love and happiness.

Black Bile: I don't, and ban whoever asked to close that thread.

Closing is for fucking mods only.

Geez. Damned users. They should learn their place.

Yellow Bile: It greatly depends upon the value of the members and the thread presented. Your insular scope of understanding is equally disturbing as your stupidity, whoever you are.



10.) A member posts 'haha, i luv turkey to, wut do you like 2 eet?' in a thread entitled 'PC Hardware Issues'. Is this post considered spam? Explain your answer.
Your answer?

Blood: lol i luv turky LOL

Phlegm: This is spam because it is not aligned with the topic of PC Hardware Issues.

Black Bile: No, because I like turkey too.

Yellow Bile: It depends greatly on the sorts of hardware issues. Good Heavens, you are pathetically obdurate about being consistently foolish, aren't you?



11.) What would you do with the user mentioned in question 10?
Your answer?

Blood: umm i duno get his aim adn tehn we chat aboot turky 8)

Phlegm: I would lightly reprimand him or her for posting off topic, and give the warranted warning. I would inform him or her that no one was angry, but merely that he or she should pay closer attention to how on-topic his or her posts are.


Black Bile: Promote him or her to the highest rank available in my power, such as moderator or super moderator. Or, at the very least, edit his or her post count to "99999999," or however high the damn thing goes...

Yellow Bile: From this point forth, I can never waste my infinitely precious time on something as stupid as this again.

Well, I hope you all feel as if you've learned something today. Now I want to see some more moderators sprouting within the next few weeks, and remember this: when and if you do at last become a moderator or supermod or higher, remember... I was responsible for success, so vote to get me up there too.

That's all for today. Thanks for reading!

Most disturbingly insincerely,
MementoMori/ConvivialCommie/LOLwhat

iwishiknew
4th September 2004, 05:45 PM
I love reading that.

EVERYONE RAISE LT3'S REPUTATION

LT3_banned
4th September 2004, 05:51 PM
I am but a mere messenger boy.

Don't shoot the messenger, but don't praise him for good news.

But then again, I did bother to post this all out.

RAISE!!!!1

Stephen
4th September 2004, 05:53 PM
I think you saved the most valuable part of GuA's history.

lenino
4th September 2004, 05:55 PM
Don't ruin this thread, Kirby.

Bravo, LT3.

iwishiknew
4th September 2004, 06:21 PM
I wish i could flame a certaint member right now.

I also think you saved the most important part of Gua's history....ell other then my first post.

Callicent
4th September 2004, 06:21 PM
Well done, LT3, for bringing saving this, and bringing it back to GUA. Lovely, simply lovely. Ah… too bad I weren’t around during the era of Memento Mori. Though he seemed to have missed the fact that knowledge of the human psychology can come in very useful when gaining the needed social stature and recognition.

lenino
4th September 2004, 06:57 PM
He was so great he didn't need social stature and recognition, my greek-named person.

Marushia
4th September 2004, 07:28 PM
When does LT EVER need recogintion for his hard work? He should be satisfied with simply knowing he did something good for our community. Nah, j/k. Good job, LT.

LT3_banned
4th September 2004, 09:43 PM
He's talking about mementomori.

silly

Cap'n Samwise
4th September 2004, 10:03 PM
Some people among us have been born with, innately instilled, the qualities and abilities of someone deserving of power and authority. There are, like it or not, naturally-born princes among us, already destined for the royalty that so endlessly flows through their veins. Several names come to mind, most of which being the pseudonyms of prostitutes who rejected me after receiving pre-copulatory payment, but a few bear to this topic relevance. There are some of us competent, and even more of us incompetent. EAFD, Mr. T, Samwise, White Hindu... were this place not such a dystopian hellhole, we'd have these names plastered atop almost every forum, but, alas, it should seem that GUA has less concern for quality than for a thoroughly maintained lack thereof.

SEE?! I FUCKING TOLD YOU BASTARDS, YET YOU DIDN'T BELIVE ME!

iwishiknew
4th September 2004, 10:16 PM
just so yall know

King X whants to be freinds with T

Marushia
5th September 2004, 12:27 AM
That's right. We should unite for the common cause of over throwing letters such as the forbidden one between O and Q and against pozers like Xeletor.

Eyeflash
5th September 2004, 03:57 AM
LT3, I stand corrected. I claimed that all the MM classics were gone, but look, our Messiah brings them to us! W00t w00t, with two zeroes replacing the o's!!

fatbreadstick
19th November 2004, 05:11 PM
Why hello there.

Elmdor
19th November 2004, 05:32 PM
That was one of memento's best posts.

LT3
18th May 2005, 12:14 AM
One of GUA's best posts more like.

And I'm making sure it stays in the public eye.

fatbreadstick
23rd August 2005, 12:46 AM
Now to get this to page one.

One
23rd August 2005, 08:39 AM
thanks for not letting this die, it was a good read

Eyeflash v2.0
15th May 2006, 03:37 PM
Bumped for those newbies who do not yet understand what "awesome" is.

fatbreadstick
15th May 2006, 03:46 PM
amen.

Volt
16th May 2006, 05:27 PM
delete the thread, and warn anyone who looks at it.

whoa

Chillz
24th August 2007, 01:39 PM
or how not to be one

Commander Cock
24th August 2007, 11:40 PM
oh fuck

i remember reading MM's thread

when i first joined gua

OH SHIT

it's like

whoah

also, someone delete chillz's user profile please?

Emtsuj
29th August 2007, 08:12 PM
This needs to be stickied.