View Full Version : My Poems

14th September 2004, 08:00 PM
Here are some attempts at poetry I have written. Any constructive criticism would be appreciated

Reborn in Fire

Sitting upon my throne of loneliness and despair,
I see only dark and storms.
Lightning strikes of anger
Fill my black kingdom with an eerie glow.

This is my kingdom which I rule,
Depression is my queen and hopelessness is my sword.
My world is dreary and full of hate,
I am unhappy.

But now, the reign of the depressed
Has come to its end.
I am free of my throne
That so warped my mind.

Pitch dark is fading away,
Replaced by brilliant light.
I step away from this old world
And enter a new one.

I now know unity and friendship,
As well as happiness and hope.
I have been reborn in fire,
Rising from my ashes of my former self.

I have escaped my personal cell,
and I will never look back.

Crimson Tears

Crimson tears fall from my eyes
As I stare in mute horror
At the flam of ignorance
As it rages through my tormentors.

Those who fall victim
To such reckless hate
Become scarred for life
In mind and body.

Children with eyes of innocence
And souls of unrestrained kindness
Can be change to merciless assassins
With tongues of tempered steel.

Have the events of WTC
Being attacked
Taught nothing to the children?
Will we ever know peace?

26th September 2004, 09:55 PM
I like your work Raven...I always thought that using ryming lines was ....too Overused, even though i use them myself. What i like about your work is you have a unique idea, and phrase it in words that i see used very rarely in poetry, and its pretty obvious that you are at no lack of words, which is alos good when it comes to poetry, since people tend to get uppety when poets use the same words too much. And it's also nice to see someone actually putting forth the effort to make a semi-happy poem. And i also like the fact that the second one has a 'point' (Not that the first one doesnt). It would be nice if more people made poetry with a point to it like that... But anyways, good work Raven, post some more of your poems please...:D

27th September 2004, 08:58 PM
Thanks Uurion, I will most certainly try. I don't write poetry as much as I do prose so it will be a bit before I can get something up. Thanks for the support though.

14th January 2005, 12:18 PM
I do not understand
Why people want to live to die
Why difference is seen as freakish
Why censorship exists
But most of all
I do not understand
Why people like me
(People I meet love to hang with me
And talk with me and listen to what
I have to say)
What I understand the most is why I write
I write because I need a vent
I write because my imagination overflows
Writing calms my nerves, but most of all
I write so that others can have a glimpse of my world.


I do not understand
Why people follow faith blindly
How people can give into pure hate
Why death is accepted as an inevitability
But most of all
I do not understand
Some words have lost all meaning
(I see guys tell their girlfriends
They love them, but they turn around
And say the same thing to a piece
Of eye candy that walks down the hall)
What I understand most if emotion
Our emotion tells us who we are
It makes us what we are
It makes us human, but most of all
Emotions are the voice of our soul.

14th January 2005, 03:06 PM
Sheesh, bumping much? ...Well, you DO have a good reason too, however. So it slides. :p

These two poems are quite a bit different than your first two... I like them much better. Your first two are extremely angsty and filled with that fresh "angry teenager" smell... So it didn't suit my tastes. However, these two are much more political/looking at the world around you rather than angsty, even if they ARE cynical... Then again, what's wrong with a little cynicism?

I might recommend a better tempo and beats, for they have none... And it has a clear rhyme scheme, so that means it is not free verse... So fix that and they might be better. Just watch out for forcing rhymes. Good job.

14th January 2005, 05:29 PM
eh, I hadn't written poetry for a while and I forgot almost all about my poetry thread until today. Some of these newer poems are ones I've been writing for my composition class in which we're discovering new poetry techniques. So if they don't really follow a beat, that's why.
The reason my poetry varies as well is because it all depends on the mood I'm in at the time I write the poem. Speaking of which...here is another poem.

Prisoners of our passionís power
Our hearts refuse to cower
To the chains of normality
Because our love can bend reality.

What we have is magic
To lose this feeling would be tragic
We are two bodies but one soul
Without you I would not be whole.

I long to hear your voice
There is no longer a choice
These feelings are all to real
And no longer surreal.

What is life without love
Like a hand without a glove
I feel empty without you
I cry but I donít want to

I want you to come back
You are something I donít want to lack
I need you near
Because then all is clear

Insane Baka Neko
17th January 2005, 10:08 AM
Your poems are great. ^ ^ I'll definatly be checking back to read more. you should put a link to your poems in your sig with the rest of your writing! ^_^ \/

~ Insane :cat:

19th January 2005, 03:55 PM
Hearts beating in unison
Like drums of a symphony,
Love soaring to the heavens
Like eagles on wings.

Senses at attention
Like soldiers in an army,
Beauty flooding my eyes;
My heart longing for more.

My fingers are like water
Wanting to flow over you body
My heart is like a hole
Needing something to fill it.

24th January 2005, 04:37 PM
Seasons are like our emotions,
Changing with time,
Representing our mood;
Our feeling towards life.

Spring is beautiful,
Season of growth and love,
Hearts grow fond,
And inhibitions go wild.

Summer is unbearable,
Days crawl slowly by,
Patience becomes limited,
But the heat matches the passion.

Fall is soft and gentle,
Leaves falling to the ground in grace;
Like the gentle caress of a lover,
The wind touches my skin.

Winter is cold and beautiful
It is the feeling of love waiting to thaw
The idea of a new beginning
A restart for lovers everywhere.

25th January 2005, 04:46 PM
Passion bleeds from my heart,
Desire burns into my soul,
Love is a powerful force,
So it transcends death.

Thoughts of you fill my mind,
Your face is always in my vision,
I cannot believe that I lived,
Before ever meeting you.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,
And it is your beauty that I behold,
It causes me to write,
Like I have never written before.

You are my muse,
My source of inspiration,
What you have is great,
You have timeless beauty.

26th January 2005, 05:28 PM
She is my inspiration
I love her
I call her my beautiful muse
I love her.

Everyday I think of her
I love her
My writing is dedicated to her
I love her.

I am her inspiration
She loves me
Her art is magnificent
She loves me.

She wants to illustrate my writing
She loves me
Her name is Josi
She loves me.

31st January 2005, 09:00 PM
Love Poem
My passion for her flows in my blood,
Like some form of inspirational flood,
I cannot help but yield to its power,
My love for her grows like a flower.

I must declare my love,
So that it may fly free like the dove,
The chains of loneliness melt away,
I have finally seen the light of day.

My eyes long for her face,
Without her there is an empty space,
My feelings for her are rooted deep in my heart,
From her, I would dread to part.

Without Josi I am nothing,
Just like a body without clothing,
She has become a part of me,
She has eternal beauty.

Few know how I feel,
Something I will not conceal,
I am a slave to my emotions,
I will cry out to the heavens.

All my inspiration comes from her,
Words no one will censor,
It is her I long to see,
With her I long to be.

She is my dark angel,
Because of her my hands are not idle,
They write down these words,
Driving my inspiration forwards.

I strive for poetic perfection,
My words should be smooth as satin,
Heavenly songs, they should be,
Echoing in eternity, if only faintly.

3rd February 2005, 08:58 PM
Night hunter
Night covers his approach,
A well worn blanket of security,
He knows no fear in the dark,
It is his world, all he knows.

He searches for someone,
Who it is he doesn't quite know,
He needs the warmth of life,
One life to sustain his own.

Pale is his face,
The color of long death,
Red are his eyes,
The color of bloodlust.

His search comes to an end,
He finds what he needs,
His teeth pierce the throat,
One life to sustain his own.

The Horsemen

I see the horsemen coming,
On their steeds so strong and fast,
I know I cannot outrun them,
At last my time has come.

I brace for the inevitable,
My eye lids close,
Sweat trickles down my forehead,
Chills race up my spine.

The horsemenís cold breath,
I can feel it on my neck,
Ice cold, it freezes me,
The touch of death.

The chill is gone,
The horsemen have skipped me,
But I might as well be dead,
My love has been taken.

8th February 2005, 06:07 PM
This is the ballad of a boy named Johnny Meth

He had a strange obsession with death

It was the light that he wanted to spurn

It was for the darkness that we would yearn.

Johnny met Pandora, a girl who made him sappy

They talked and conversed and they both were happy

To each other they confessed their true love

And their interest in Ozzy, who bit the head off a dove.

Their relationship was perfect and their love was great

They talked from the afternoon until very late

Love to them was a beautiful, delicate flower

It fed off their passion's power.

"You are hottie" she would say, "and a great guy."

He would compliment her and make her cry

Tears of joy, they would run down her face

"Wow" he would say "I've found my place."

Eternal love and eternal life go hand in hand

It makes life interesting and so less bland

"I love you" he would say "with every fiber of my being,

"It's so refreshing and so freeing."

They were happy with each other and for each other they would long

Everyday they would talk about their favorite, but somewhat depressing song

Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day was their one

The significance being that their lonely walk was done.

You could not find a happier couple

For each other they were supple

With each other they were completely truthful

With their love they would remain ever youthful.

3rd March 2005, 11:15 PM
Love is sent by the glorious heavens
They have sent an angel into my life
An angel that is no longer heavenís
Her love and beauty has ended my strife.

Her love for me is unconditional.
I cannot think of living without her.
Though our courting is nontraditional,
When I think of her my emotions stir.

Passion has become our shared emotion.
We cannot describe how we feel now,
Two simple words are love and devotion.
We both truly love each other, and how.

This poem cannot describe how I feel
Josi is the perfect dream, so ideal.

18th May 2005, 06:55 PM
Johnny and Pandora owns.

However, using WTC doesn't really fit with the flow of the poem. It's a little too blatant. I don't know how to fix it, I just didn't like it. Maybe just

Has the needless murder
and destruction
Taught nothing to the children?
Will we never know peace?

or something else that hints at what you had, but isn't so "this is what it's about"

There's my unexperienced advice

31st August 2005, 12:56 PM
Hey, I really like your poems. You have great use of dark imagery to convey your points. I like your style.

Im a little confused by 'Crimson Tears' though, at the start of the thread.

Crimson tears fall from my eyes
As I stare in mute horror
At the flam of ignorance
As it rages through my tormentors

is "flam" supposed to be "flame"? Or was flam intentional?

Flame would make more sense of consuming the victims, because you seem to contradict yourself in the next stanza. You talk about the flame of ignorance rages through your tormentors [which is definitely true, at least in some respects] but then you talk about the how the victims will be scarred for life by hatred... I think you should make the bridge between the hate of the attackers and the hated of the victims more clear.

For example,
"As the flame of hatred surged through the tormentors,
the prisoners burned in anguish. Such crime
stifled the light of truth
with a cloud of anthrax darkness"

lol, something less corny than I wrote hopefully, I'm just giving an example. Otherwise I think Crimson Tears is great! I also think it appropriate to mention WTC, maybe you could even make reference to the date 9/11, because it is an attack unique to the American identity, if thats what your poem is about.

31st August 2005, 03:02 PM
Yes, Darth Flame, I did mean to type "flame" instead of "flam". I had never noticed it before, thank you for pointing it out.

25th September 2005, 08:35 PM
No problem, I likw reading your poems.

Your recent one in the Shakespearean sonnet form was good too. I just watched Twelfth Night for a class, and I'm re-awakening my interest in Shakespeare poems. Are you taking English classes to improve your writing? I must say it is very good, and keep up with it!

5th October 2005, 08:47 AM
Well I am currently in my Freshman year of college at Central Wyoming College and I am taking the English 1010 course which is more focused on essays and such. Next semester I hope to take a creative writing class or better yet, create a writer's club here at the college because I've heard that most people who are in creative writing take their writing, but don't want any kind of feedback :crazy:

5th October 2005, 08:42 PM
Wow, that is surprising. Good luck starting up a club. I would only suggest trying to keep as open a forum of creative writing, from poems to short stories to plays just to broaden your pool of writers.

I'm really surprised your school does not have a creative writing club. Does your school have different editions of some paper volume come out where people submit creative stories or essays? They should at least have that...essentially that's what you'd be doing with your club except you wouldn't be publishing it for campus, just amongst yourselves to help each other improve.

6th October 2005, 08:49 AM
Amazingly enough, they hadn't. They're trying to start one, but I don't know how well it's working and I had heard that in the creative writing class they offer, people come in with their writing, but none of them want any feedback.