View Full Version : Start of my story

8th September 2004, 04:09 AM
I want to write a story, narrated by the main character, i wrote a brief description of the world and was wondering of what you thought before i continue into the story, this is kinda the introduction. As i have never really tried to write a proper story before any tips, pointers etc would be most welcome

here it is...

Chapter 1׃ The World Today

Otabo 11, This is where I live, now I know the first question you have asked yourself is why 11. Well you see, in the past there have been warsÖ I have seen your wars on Earth, they are small, a few million dead. We on the other hand know how to fight, when we get angry, a planet is destroyed, billions die. This is why it is 11. The few survivors leave the desolated planet after a war and make a new one. For three thousands years this was accepted, but like everything, we changed. Relítar became the leader. He conquered every nation in the world, he didnít war, he talked to them, and suspiciously they handed control to him. This made our planet a global nation. This is how we are today. I will tell you about Relítar later. Letís talk about our ďnationĒ.

Otabo 11 is a massive planet. It houses around 26 billion people, of these 26 billion people I like precisely 6 of them. Hell I live with 96,112 people. That is not my choice I would like to let you know that I would rather be alone on my own, either on another planet or dead. Otabo is a wonderful place. It has work centres you people can only dream about, we have shopping centres the size of your countryís, they are so big in fact that the workers live over 1000 kilometres away. We have housing areas, the houses vary in size, but amazingly everyone is happy. The public parks I hear are amazing, massive green expanses, huge forests, beautiful rivers, perfect. Our nation also has an industrial zone, it is huge as you would expect. While you have yours all spread out across the planet, we have ours in the wasteland. It makes perfect sense, why should we waste habitable land when with a bit of landscaping we can make massive industrial complexes in places people hate. These complexís are not like yours, I managed to see one, try to imagine a city of yours, now remove the buildings, and add a metallic monstrosity. The one I saw was around a kilometre high, not that tall then I hear you saying, they do actually get much bigger but I am only talking about the one I saw. The pollution it generates should have a cataclysmic affect on the atmosphere but we have developed a form of air cleaning which removes 99% of deadly toxins, leaving only 1% to float harmlessly into the mountains.

In the North we have Cant. From what I hear itís a wonderful place, many I know have died there. Cant is the one place on the planet where you donít go for a holiday, ironically it is amazingly prosperous. The people in Cant mainly live underground, not in holes, but huge zones which are all air locked, andÖ wellÖ I donít know I havenít been there. I was told to imagine a million interconnected tubes underground that gave me some idea of how the people in C ant live. But anyway the reason people live below the surface is because of the creatures that live above the surface. Huge beasts, described as teeth on legs. They are fiendishly fast, and real bastards to kill, I only know this because 6 years ago, 3 million people moved away from the safety of the tunnels thinking they could live on the surface. They built perimeter defences and were well armed, within a week all were dead, a rescue party flew over, in scans it identified only 3 monsters dead, and these were small. We could destroy these little bastards but they are defended by the people from Cant. The people are a paranoid people, skittish and have no individual defences; these monsters are a natural defence from any attackers.

Heading east we have Middle Haven, it is surrounded my mountains. It is perfect, it is clean, the people live in these surreal living quarters. They are surreal because they curve almost like a dome over middle haven, they have no supports, Over a million people live in them. These are just 1 building, only made possible by hyper lifts and a few thousand staircases. I would tell you more but I havenít been to middle haven either. But I have seen pictures, and I believe that that is something. Underneath the housing they have parks, and some heavy scientific area. It is the drug centre; they are like a global pharmacist, and the richest area of the planet. They have artificial lighting and weather control, if I had a choice I would live here. The only way to get to it is by air, I do not have an airship, I donít know anyone with an airship.

I live in ďthe holeĒ, on 3 sides it is surrounded by cold icy mountains, razor sharp all over and at least 300kmís wide. The other side is the sea, but we have a sea wall keeping us in. Well to be honest it isnít a sea wall, it is a barracks, poised to destroy us at the click of a finger. You may think this is wrong but its not, the fact that we are still alive is the thing that is wrong. We are the people who would have created Otabo 12. When Relítar took over we rebelled, the world was about 3 days off a war but unfortunately we were driven back. We are alive because the world believes that there will always be people who want to disturb the peace and they need their place. To be honest, I never took part in the rebellion that happened over 60 years ago. I am only 26, I am imprisoned because of fears that ideas were passed down from our parents. The hole isnít too bad, itís just very dirty, the flats are old and starting to decay, we have no shops, or jobs. Instead we have a food dispensers, and a small farm which people pitch in on to pass the time, we also fish a lot, actually we try to, but if we stray to far out the army swoops and we are never seen again. Well thatís about all there is to say about the hole at this time.

9th September 2004, 08:03 AM
Ok i didn't really like it so i re wrote it today, this i think feels darker, but i have some issues which mean i flick from the present to the past. I want it to be like i am telling the story from 4 years after the event. But at the same time i want to be able to write in the time that it happened, anyone know how i would approach this?

Any here's what i have so far....

Welcome, I am Karen; I live on a planet called Obian X. The first thing I am always asked is ďwhy on earth is your planet named 10Ē. Is it because we were conquered and are the 10th planet? Is because we have no imagination? Does it even exist? The answer to the last one is yes, it does indeed exist. The reason why it is number 10, is because we are not the steadiest of civilizations, we have hip cups in history, moments of war, moments of weakness. Letís just say the first 9 planets were destroyed by wars, survivors of these wars set up a new home. Fortunately we have now changed, we are better people. It is generally agreed, that Obian 10 is the most beautiful of our planets, itís certainly the most varied. We have everything from mountains that pierce the sky like swords to cities which stand as a symbol to mankind. Our biology is even remarkably like yours, the only difference is that we have very high pitched hearing, this trait was picked up on the first planet, it became remarkable handy to keep us alive.

I think like all stories it is best for me to start at the beginning, I have already said that we have changed, we changed for only one reason. That reason was a war was stopped before it could begin, the only way a war could be stopped is if its instigators were imprisoned. This would have led to uprising by their followers, the scum who called themselves fighters but would run home at the sight of trouble. So instead the rebels were given some land, it was built to be the underworld, the land of crime, the cesspit of our civilization. Lets face it, crime will always occur but if you create a place for it and police the rest of the world it will only grow in one place. This was the miracle cure to stop war, this was the miracle that made a country a prison, and this was the very miracle that has kept me imprisoned in the same city for my whole life. The rebellion took place over 340 years ago, though fears that our parents ideals had been passed on, they never opened the door. For years I turned my back on crime ďIf I was good I could be freedĒ, it was only 4 years ago that I realised that this wasnít the case, it was in this time that I became a bad apple.

Let me describe ďthe holeĒ as it is fondly referred to. We have over 2 million inhabitants, ironically it started with a mere 150. The fact is that when prostitution is rife and the only job around is to make and ship weapons, or collect food you can imagine why thereís a lot of sex. With sex comes kids, and thus I was born, I live in a tower block next to the sea, I was given a room on the 79th floor. I have a wonderful view over the sea, but on the horizon I can see a huge black wall. Its not a wall, we like to say it is because its easier, in fact itís a barracks and a containment device, it is also the end. The sea wall is a black structure that rises from the sea bed, it is over 1000 metres high, 500 metres wide and over 40 kilometres long. It is rumoured that it houses over fifty thousand troops, this rumour extends to say that they have bombard platforms aimed at our little city.

By all means the hole was supposed to solve the problem of us, but they made it too free, we have grown too many, we are spilling over the mountains. Oh yes I forgot to mention we are penned in by 400 km of mountains in all directions, how we get across the mountains they donít know. All they know is that over 100 a day are either trying to reach MiddleHaven, or are launching attacks on the industrial sites around. They kill all people who escape, they are very good at this, but often people taste what an hour of freedom is like before they are shot down. To many this is what paradise is and this is all they want before they die. I on the other hand am I survivor, I always have been and always will be. I escaped 3 years ago. This is a feat I will tell you about later, first I think you should know my past, my life, and my surroundings. These things are the things that made me what I am today.

8th October 2004, 12:54 PM
w0w great peice of work...i was really hooked from start to finish and would really like to read the rest if you have finished it. Hope you can post the rest soon.

yr biggest fan jihad.

ps: are you published yet?

13th October 2004, 04:57 AM
lol published, no i'm not. After looking into it i have given up on that idea, its in the wrong form, first person narrative works best with fixed place's and location's, not a moving story across a world.

Instead i am laying the foundations for a more thought out idea.